I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
