just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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