I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
