Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
