I puked a lego.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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