glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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