apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
