I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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