I wish life had little blips of pornography
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
