She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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