shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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