Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
