you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize