I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
it's great music for shaving your balls
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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