Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
