I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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