Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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