i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
