i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
