your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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