wakey wakey hands off snakey
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
