is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
