I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
