I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
