I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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