I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
