dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
