Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm at about main and main street
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
