'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize
