I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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