never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
