Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
there is puke in my bra ... again
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