Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My bed smells like the plague
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