nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Dicks are not precious.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
