She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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