dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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