You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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