I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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