I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
