you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
