I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think my fart just growled at me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
