im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
