My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
