Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
