I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
