Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
True strength comes from lack of pants
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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