your thong is hanging out like whoa
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
