hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
