Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
