I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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