How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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