haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
