She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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