You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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