Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
