He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
